This time it's not toilet paper.
Thank God, right? White people are always going plumb crazy and hoarding one thing or the other. It's just something that we do, okay? Even me, I hoarded Starbursts. Right before the lockdown while everyone was stocking up on TP and Clorox wipes. Now, that didn't occur to me, and that's why even today, I have no Clorox wipes and can't get any. I do have toilet paper but only because my mother has been hoarding toilet paper her entire life. No one knows why, and we've made fun of her all our lives. But boy, did she get the last laugh on us this year. We were all calling her up, and then at the end of the conversation, real casual like Columbo, "oh btw, you don't happen to have a few rolls of toilet paper you can spare, do you?"
But what do I have? Starbursts. I saw Cuomo talking about locking shit down, and I ran my ass out so fast, thinking, man I may not be able to get any Starburst candies soon.
Anyway, white people are done with their toilet paper obsession, generally speaking. I mean, some got addicted along the way, there's no doubt. You can still see them at Costcos across the country. They will likely never get over the great 2020 toilet paper scare. Sad shells of their old selves, they will spend the rest of their lives hoarding toilet paper, "just in case."
But many of them have moved on because they saw some black people on the tv. And those black people didn't look too happy, maybe on account of other white people have been hunting them, almost as a way of shaking off those lockdown blues. But other white people didn't notice that part, they just noticed some unhappy black people and then their guru opened his butthole-shaped mouth and told them "They gonna kill us all!!".
And well, that caused a whole new panic buying spree. Between all this panic buying is anyone else wondering where these white people are getting their money?
In some towns, flyers are being passed around claiming that a whole big contingent of ANTIFA is coming! Antifa is like the fucking boogeyman to white people. It used to be ACORN, but then Republicans lied about them, and Democrats shamefully knelt and said, "take ACORN but please don't hurt us!"And so now there is no more ACORN. But don't worry, one thing white folks excel at is inventing new boogeymen.
Enter Antifa. Well white people are just up in arms all over the nation believing that Antifa is coming to their podunk, backwoods, shithole, to steal their American flags.
So they are panic buying arms and bullets.
Why right here on Long Island, the Alabama of the North, there are lines around the block at a gun dealer shop in Uniondale. Same thing at a gun shop in Merrick. Oh, Merrick has their collective hair standing on end, alright. And it's really bad because Merrick was well-known for having fried hair before this. One thing any LI fashionista can tell you is, don't go to Merrick to get your hair done, have you seen what those bitches walk around with on top of their empty heads?
Well, things have only gotten worse, take a look:
I am so disappointed with my hometown of Merrick, NY right now. Absolutely disgusted with this lady from last night, and I’m sure she wasn’t the only person either. They were there to peacefully protest and your ignorance hindered their right to do so. pic.twitter.com/nmssGP2832— cj🌈 (@colljamosh) June 3, 2020
So yeah, the gun dealing merchants of death on LI are cleaning up this week. But it's not just here. It's all over our nation. Arming themselves because black people and Antifa are looking to shit on their flags and give them makeovers.
The good news is many of these people will end up shooting themselves with their own guns. Just like my great-uncle Luigi who was so obsessed with communists back in the 50's that he took his gun everywhere. I never met him, but I was told he kept that gun tucked inside his trousers everywhere, even in his own home, so convinced was he that the commies were coming to shit on his flag.
And so what happened is, one day, he was sitting down for dinner and had a couple of beers, and started ranting about the commies shitting on American flags, and got himself so worked up that he moved the wrong way and BAM! that gun went off and he shot himself right in his own ass.
And what's really amazing is, at first he thought it was the commies! He was yelling and yelling "Ack they got me! The damn commies shot me! right in the ass!"
I don't even know if they ever told him the truth, now that I think about it, and my grandma is dead, so I guess I'll never know. He might have went to his grave believing the commies killed him
He survived that night but later died of infection. So that's the good news. A lot of these fools can be counted on to shoot themselves or their own spouses when their spouse comes in from throwing out the garbage forgetting to sing "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandee" at top of their lungs so as to announce their presence.
The bad news is, some won't. And Trump wants them to get violent. Trump wants blood running in our streets. In 2016, we famously claimed that "love trumps hate." It didn't, not then. Will it now?
Here is one hopeful sign:
Let's keep coming. They need us.
Sing along outside the White House now to Lean on Me by Billy Withers pic.twitter.com/Ep2K6OyrVA— Shabtai Gold (@velvetart) June 4, 2020