Donald Trump, 45th President of the United States of America, put on a mask today. Some are reporting he donned the mask without any physical assistance. The media is going wild!
And can you blame them? Who among us has not been left breathless with excitement watching our President advance from the mental and physical capacity of a two year old? I am enthralled! This is what America voted for! The Entertainer. Are you not entertained?
Let's recap the recent steps in Trump's stunning development.
First, he demonstrated he can drink a glass of water! His fans were amazed! Here's one:
Promises made, promises kept. pic.twitter.com/QPLrtCggIc— Helen Kennedy (@HelenKennedy) June 21, 2020
Folks, that was less than one month ago. One month! And he has already advanced to putting on a mask. But I've jumped ahead. In between demonstrating he can drink from a big boy glass, he also reenacted walking down a ramp! You heard me, walking, not crawling. Let's go to the video tape!
Trump is reenacting walking down the West Point ramp. pic.twitter.com/46TgmwgkRD— andrew kaczynski🤔 (@KFILE) June 21, 2020
Do you hear the crowd cheering? What a stupendous accomplishment from our President! Well, you can bet Putin was shitting his pants when he saw that. And now today, Trump, as if to say, you think walking down a ramp and drinking from a big boy glass is something, Vladimir? Get a load of me this month! And he put on a mask!
Folks, they were so excited over in the White House, they had Trump's Number Two Guy Friday, Brad Parscale (Lindsey Graham is Trump's Number One Guy Friday) excitedly tweet pictures of it!
America first baby! We're Number 1! We're Number 1!
Our boy Brad was last seen running away holding his ass after getting "Trumped" by a bunch of kids on Tik Tok.
I bet Brad is the one tasked with convincing Trump he looks like the Lone Ranger in a mask.
Kellyanne: "Let's make a game out of it!"
Brad: "Like choo choo here comes the train?"
Kellyanne: "What the fuck does a mask have to do with a train BRAD?"
Brad looks down at his shoes.
Kellyanne: "I know, tell him he looks like the Lone Ranger!"
Brad: "Didn't the Lone Ranger wear a mask around his eyes? What if he looks it up and wants to wear it around his eyes? We'll never hear the end of that from the Libtards!"
Kellyanne: "Well make sure he doesn't put it over his eyes BRAD, do I have to think of everything around here!?"
Hilariously, Jason Miller tweeted
Joe Biden is finished. pic.twitter.com/cYjerzBBay— Jason Miller (@JasonMillerinDC) July 11, 2020
Jason Miller is the clown who had an extra-marital affair with another Trump campaign staffer, A.J. Delgado, impregnated and then dumped her. Something she first revealed on twitter, Christmas Eve, 2016, in one of the most beautiful Christmas love stories I've ever read. A tale just begging to be filmed!
Of course, our media, ever the sycophantic worms, began tweeting accolades immediately:
Trump looks...totally fine (and even — dare I say — presidential!) in a mask. I’m confused why it took so long for him to do the responsible thing, following his own CDC’s guidelines and modeling good behavior.— Ashley Parker (@AshleyRParker) July 11, 2020
Oh yes, you do dare, dare you do, Ashley.
Folks, at this rate of development, our President may be ready for underroo pull-ups by August.
Will Brad tweet pictures of a triumphant Trump standing in the White House toilet, proudly showing off his big boy pull-ups?
Stay tuned for next week's episode of the Greatest Show on Earth.
I mean, for those of you still here and not on an ICU vent or already dead from choking on your own lung fluids. Of course. Goes without saying.