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The Tucker Testicle Tanner

So, Tucker Carlson is alarmed over falling testosterone rates in men.    Yes, that's right, this famously rugged American male:

 

 

 

Is very worried about falling testosterone.  Well, I guess he didn't have much to spare.  Anyway...in his new special "The End of Men" (is he trying to excite me?) Tucker comes up with the answer:

 

 

How long before ole Tucks, whose parents so insightfully named him after hemorrhoid wipes, starts hawking Tucker's Testicle Tanning machines?

Can you see the morons who actually watch this guy all tanning their nuts in the front yard? 

 

Haven't women suffered enough yet?  I'm already afraid to leave my house between MAGA's demanding I take my mask off, and screaming "GROOMER!" at me.  Now this?

When does this end? 

I am telling you this is a tragedy waiting to happen.  This brought to mind an  ex, who, before he slept with me for the first time, wanted to really spiff up.  I already thought he was hot, so I have no idea why.  Anyway, he had his ass waxed and then decided to go to a tanning salon and get naked.  This resulted in bad butt burns and a delayed sexual experience.  I swear this really happened.  Now add one of Tucker's testicle tanners into this equation.  Men are already dangerous to themselves, now they will all be walking around with grilled testicles.  I cannot imagine this improving their moods. 

Anyway, I guess Tucks' first customer has turned up:

That's none other than Republican Congressman, Madison Cawthorn.  You know, the dude who recently claimed he was being invited to cocaine-fueled orgies by senior Republican officials.  Kevin McCarthy who totally never lies, got involved, denied everything, and said "pics or it didn't happen."

That's how we ended up with this. 

This is the same Cawthorn who famously claimed society is trying to “de-masculate young men” and urged mothers to raise their sons to be “monsters," citing, yep, that declining testosterone again. 

Look, I like a man who can wear women's underwear, and if the guy is hot, it can even be sexy.  Are you going to tell me that very-secure-in-his-masculinity Jason Momoa wouldn't rock a pair of lace panties?  Of course he would.

The key I think, is being "secure in his masculinity".  This stuff here is just pathetic.

Two more ladyish men I cannot think of.  Madison and Tucks.  It sounds like a bad intersection on a dark night.   And being ladyish is okay too!  The problem is, it's obviously not okay with them.

So now of course, we all have to suffer.  None more than women who will be subjected to nutsacks being displayed by morons spread-eagle facing the sun this summer.

I really need to get a pool. 

So are testosterone levels really declining?  It ends up, yeah.  Leave it to a Republican to lie with the truth right?  So here is the kernel of truth in this mess:

"Studies show that men’s testosterone levels have been declining for decades. The most prominent, a 2007 study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, revealed a “substantial” drop in U.S. men’s testosterone levels since the 1980s, with average levels declining by about 1% per year.)"  Forbes

But what's to blame?  Is it liberals?  Turns out no.

Various things, like environmental toxins (you know how much we liberals love those!) obesity rates, etc.  Obesity suppresses testosterone.  I didn't know that.  Seems to me that Tucks has some fat friends.  Trump comes to mind.  Maybe he should stage an intervention.  

Is it really a huge problem?  Well, I'd say toxins and the obesity epidemic are, but lower testosterone rates seem to me among the least harmful side effects of those.  Cancer and heart disease come to mind. 

But what do I know.   I don't even tan my vag.  

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