The Six Things You Need To Know About Men Prior To Dating Them
You know how men say stupid shit like "find out what her mother looks like"? I have seen this in real life and tons of it online. They think this is so funny! I have this theory that, with a lot of men, if you taught them sign language and threw them in with a group of chimps, they would start signing away. Just thinking, wow, I've really got the advantage here. They know sign language, I know sign language, but THEY'RE just chimps!
And then after about 5 minutes of signing foolishness, one chimp would turn to the others and sign "Is it my imagination, or does this fucking fool make no sense?"
Anyway, their clever question of "what does her mother look like" is code for "Is she gonna get fat?". Because first of all, shallow, and second of all, we are all our mothers.
Okay, so in this case we are all going to need to know some things about men.
1) At what age did your father start losing his hair?
2) At what age did your father stop losing his hair, and go fully bald?
3) How much alcohol does your father drink daily?
4) How many affairs has your father had?
5) Where are your father's retirement investments? The stock market, or Vegas slot machines?
Anyway, this is all such foolishness, and I wouldn't ask those questions. Here are the questions I really need answered at this point in life though.
1) Donald Trump. Thoughts? This weeds out all MAGA, but a Bernie bro can still pass this one. So, we then move on to the second question.
2) Hillary Clinton. Thoughts? This one will weed out the Berners. Fast.
3) Do you vote for any politicians who appointed Supreme Court Justices who are about to strip me of my human rights? And yes, this counts even if you are "socially liberal and fiscally conservative." What that answer means is you don't give a shit about women or anyone else, all you care about is money.
4) Which tv shows do you enjoy? Because I can go on a Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul marathon with the best of them, but if that's all you've got going on viewing wise, issues are probably gonna arise.
5) Black Lives Matter. Thoughts? This comes up because one of my recent dates actually told me he considers BLM a "terrorist group." Yes, this was very recent so obviously after we all saw real terrorists attempt a violent coup on January 6th. No, there was no second date.
6) I'm a feminist who likes men to do the lifting of the heavy shit and change the tires. I kind of feel like, why else would I have you around? Good conversation is great. Sex can be great. But I like a man with a little muscle he can put to good use for me. Do you feel if I'm a feminist and believe women are equal I should be doing that stuff? Oh, I'm also very anti-violence but like a man who can handle himself in a fight, should one arise. Say, if some MAGA dipshit comes over and coughs all over me because he's offended by my mask-wearing at a grocery store. I think violence is never the answer until violence is the answer. I contain multitudes. Is this good with you?
So, I'm about to go on my summer dating fest again. What do you think my chances are? In Suffolk County on Long Island, you know, my dating pool is basically white MAGA.
You saw what happened last year. I went through a few, and did like one who used to work at my building. Then I got drunk with him and found out he's a conservative. And also, I made out (I'll leave it there) with him before finding this out. Stupidly. And within two days of that, I found out I had Covid, and his girlfriend got cancer. I am not making this up. I was diagnosed with Covid two days after my night with him, and his girlfriend was literally taken to the hospital the next day with acute stomach pain.
Of course, I had to freaking call him to tell him I have Covid and he was exposed, so he didn't go visit his now, immunocompromised girlfriend and expose her. So I already knew (belatedly) that he was a Republican, and that I didn't want to see him again, but I had to phone him to tell him he had been exposed to a possibly deadly disease, to ensure he didn't accidently kill his sick girlfriend, which would have been on me.
This is what happens when you make out with Republicans, even if you don't know they're Republicans at the time. Why didn't I ask first? Well, we were very friendly and for some reason I thought he was a Democrat. What, you're perfect?
What was I doing making out with a guy who had a girlfriend? Well, see, he got with his old high school girlfriend just after his divorce, but she was still married. So I felt like, fair game? And I wasn't looking for anything serious last summer. Even before I found out his politics, there was never, ever, going to come a time where I would be like "oh you have to break up with your married girlfriend and move in with me so your problems can become MY problems and I have to find out all about your bathroom issues the hard way."
That was never going to happen.
But, still, the fact is, I did this, and she got cancer, and it must have been pretty bad because she died earlier this year. Like, none of these outcomes were good.
So that cured me of forgetting to ask their politics, and also, of even doing something casual with a guy who has a girlfriend. Even if she is married and living with her husband.
But Memorial Day is bearing down on me, and I am going to start dating again. .
Unlike last summer, I do plan on spending time going out in NYC where my bestie lives. I really need to widen my circle. This isn't the vaccinated summer of the fuckboy last summer was. For me anyway. If it is for you, then I love that for you. I don't know exactly what it is, and I've decided not to name it this time. We'll find out soon enough.
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