Trump: The Ratings Were Through The Roof!
Americans are dying choking on the fluid filling their lungs and our President spent today brag-tweeting about his high ratings. And to let us know his high-rated nightly Bozo the Piss Stained Clown reboot was moved to a new time. Today only! On account of it being Good Friday. Not that he knows what that means. He thinks it's when the Two Corinthians got Tom Ford suits at a killer sale one Friday.
On today's special episode, Trump announced that the virus is "very smart". It's "very very smart". Trump actually believes this virus thinks, and not only that, but it's out thinking Trump. I mean, okay, that part I'd believe. He also announced that not only is the coronavirus very very smart, but it also stays hidden. So it's smart enough to sneak around in the stealth mode. I wonder what it has to say about Trump, the self-announced Covid-Slayer? Does it want its own competing show where it can brag about having outplayed Trump? Covid, if you're reading this, I want to let you know to calm your shit down, because infants have outsmarted Trump. And we're not giving you any show. We are still trying to cancel "Trump: Piss Soaked and Live!"
And they said he'd never have another show after The Apprentice went off the air. The sequel is murder! And we're all glued to our seats. On account of we're not allowed to go outside.
Wait until he premieres his new show, a spin-off, entitled "Trump: Survivor". We are all going to get to vote someone off of their ventilator every night!
It's ratings gold I tell ya! We will get to know the backgrounds of all of Trump's victims currently intubated, and they will have to compete in cuteness, youth, vigor, or maybe they have a special talent, like tap dancing. The lucky ones will have really cute kids or grandkids who can perform for us. The better they perform, the cuter they smile, the more likely we don't vote their granny off her ventilator and watch her choke to death for sport.
But every night, regardless, someone's gotta go...that's the exciting part!
I seem to remember there was someone we could beep in case of apocalypse? Oh yes.
Of course, Buffy is a fictional character and that was a long time ago now. Was there something else we could have done that would have actually prevented the apocalypse before it happened? Let me think.
Oh yeah, that's right. Well, but she wasn't fuckable anymore, too old, and she didn't look like she would cook me something, and then there was Bernie who was just so great! And adorable! Oh wasn't it cute when that bird landed outside! Like, I never saw something like that happen before. I was talking about that bird landing outside for weeks!
Today was a bitter day spent inside, watching zero sales come in, listening to my phone not ring, and going through the only emails I get these days; spam.
But Trump's ratings are through the roof and like most Americans, I take such comfort in that.
I am having an online happy hour with two friends tonight. Are we supposed to dress for these things? I suppose I'll have to comb my hair and put some makeup on. If I let people see what I look like right now I kind of feel like they would never forget? It would be an image seared into their eyeballs. I better see what I can do.
I have a web cam cover for zoom meetings, because I'm never sure when that camera is going to go on. I'm terrified I will be in my sweats with no bra, my hair sticking up, and I'll click on a meeting I want to be voice only, and BOOM. There's my fucking face. Sometimes I will do meetings and completely refuse to remove the web cam cover. People try and start shit, but I just say nah, I'm not doing video today.
Were you ever on Instagram, and accidentally took a picture of yourself and it asks "do you want to post this picture", and you start screaming? Like, my entire body freezes because I'm afraid if I make the wrong move I'll somehow hit "yes please post this picture". And I scream, and then very slowly move my hand to hit "DELETE TRASH TRASH"
Welp, that's the end of Good Friday, another day in the shithole Trump created. Tomorrow won't be any different so we've got that to look forward to. I'm going to drink myself into oblivion during my online happy hour and then pass out and pray I don't dream of Trump.
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