I was going to title this "the hottest male tv characters in history", but I realized that I have no standing to write that article. What do I know about who was hot in the 60's or the 70's? Honestly I can't think of one tv character from the 80's that I want to sex.
Nope. We have to begin in the 1990's. Late 90's to be precise.
Why am I writing this? Well, because I'm on lockdown bitch! And I don't know about you, but I didn't lockdown with any penis handy, and I am not one for ordering out. Now, I'm not sorry that I'm not quarantined with one of my exes. In fact, it's one of the few things I'm thankful for. Still, a girl's got to eat, so I've been compiling my fantasy fuck draft list.
I mean, men do it with football. They are always talking, tweeting, and texting about fantasy drafts. Why not me?
There's no reason not to! Unless you object to objectifying men and make the case that it's no better than when men objectify women, in which case...well, you're probably right, but I'm so bored.
So, let's get started. Here are my fantasy fuck draft picks of tv characters. Now, in a very few cases, the actor is so damn sexy, that I'm really drafting him. In most cases it's just the character I find hot.
Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Okay, so I was definitely very into Angel. He was gorgeous let's face it. I don't really remember getting HOT over him until they added some nice depth to his character for his spinoff series though. I remember the premiere episode, entitled "City of" and when it was over, I thought to myself, wow, very cool Batman vibe.
And I definitely think there was a big Batman vibe to Angel, throughout it's run, but never moreso than that first season. In fact, there were a lot of rumors that Boreanaz was on a short list for Nolan's trilogy. The role of course, went to Christian Bale. I don't know if that's true, but there was a moment in television history when nobody, and I mean nobody, did the big broody hunk like Boreanaz. So, I could see it.
Anyway, yeah I would sex up Angel. All that brooding, all that guilt, who could resist? Dark nights (haha) in his deserted hotel, talking about all that literature he was always shown reading (though we never really knew what in hell it was) followed by some writhing. I could get on that.
Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Spike was the hot bad boy. The actor, James Marsters, created chemistry with everyone on that show. And he knew how to do sexy, from his very first episode. I remember one of his first scenes where he slides his hand down his body, and it's so early on you'll feel like Sarah Michelle Gellar's Buffy is too young to be exposed to such raw sexuality. Spike is wild, dirty, all night sex, and it was a wise choice to wait for season 6 before he and a then more mature Buffy sex up. But I'm no schoolgirl and Spike is so drafted!
Ryan Atwood, The O.C.: From what I've subsequently read, the set on this show was a total mess. But whatever the behind the scenes drama, it all came together on screen, and I LOVED the O.C. I really never understood how it got cancelled season 4, while One Tree Hill went on forever. No judgement, I just never got into One Tree Hill. At all. I loved the sly, self-awareness of The O.C. And it had a lot of humor. And of course, HOT Ryan. Everyone wanted to do HOT Ryan.
While we're on The O.C. let's not forget about this classic scene:
That scene always cracks me up. I still quote that. I used that clip on twitter Bernie Bros right after he got his ass kicked in South Carolina. It was so awesome.
Michael Scofield, Prison Break: Okay, traveling through time, we arrive in the year 2005, which is when Prison Break premiered. My God, the show is so absurd. I can't even wrap my mind around the people who play it all the time and know all the words. In fact, when I watched it, I basically fast forwarded whenever possible. Past every scene that Michael Scofield wasn't in. Well, and I really like Sara too. Honestly, if I was bi, Sarah Wayne Callies would be top of my fantasy fuck draft list. I love her. I love what she has to say, for one example her thoughts on fanboy reaction to her Walking Dead character. That's a whole other article. And I'll get to it, but I am so down with Sarah Wayne Callies. I root for her. Anyway, Michael Scofield. Portrayed by one of the most beautiful people alive, Wentworth Miller, gives him a leg up right there. And the voice. This is a man who could talk you to orgasm, he doesn't need to touch you. Add in that Michael Scofield's defining trait is he's smarter than everyone, and well, it's hard to get through two consecutive episodes without needing some recovery time.
Wentworth Miller. Definitely on the fantasy draft list. Permanent spot. The first actor on the list, the preceding are tv character only drafts. Do we need to get into his Captain Cold? Because I can! I am an Arrowverse stan, and I can go on, at length, about Captain Cold. Would I do Captain Cold? Oh, I so would. Right in one of the cargo bays. And Miller's interviews? Smart is so HOT. Rarely has it been this beautiful. I stand mesmerized.
Don Draper, Mad Men: I really struggled with this one. During its run, everyone who knew me knew to never phone me during Mad Men. I wasn't one to dvr this show. I had to watch it, live. I was addicted. I know I have to do a big rewatch one of these years. It left me breathless the first time. Its painful nostalgia so spectacularly epitomized in its 13th episode, The Wheel. When Don stared out his office window, I could really believe I was looking back in time. And that a few blocks downtown, my father was just starting out in the mailroom of a large wall street firm, where he would eventually become a VP.
Mad Men was so realistic in its portrayal of another time, that I would imagine I could run out of Don's office, downtown, find my dad, and tell him, dad, whatever you do, do not ignore those headaches you'll get in the 90's.
Mad Men just ripped me, in so many different ways.
The characters, especially Don, who believes that in America, you just have to pick someone to be, and something to do, and then be it and do it. Fake it till you make it.
And having spent years in advertising as a copywriter myself, well, the show just sang to me. Of course, I loved Peggy. Oh, clever, indefatigable, Peggy Olsen.
But Don Draper; would I? Don Draper who smells like good whiskey and cigarettes and lies as an artform?
Yeah, I would. The secret to a guy like Draper is you never go back for seconds. But he'd make for one interesting night.
Raylan Givens, Justified: And now we arrive in 2010, the year Justified premiered. Timothy Olyphant's performance in the titular role was breathtakingly sexy. I've never really gotten over Raylan Givens. I didn't watch Santa Clara Diet, because my understanding is it involves cannibals and I don't do cannibals. Deadwood is still on my "will eventually binge" list. I had been eagerly awaiting season 4 of Fargo, which Olyphant has a major role in, but then boom, pandemic. So that'll be a while. All I have is Raylan Givens to go by. It's enough.
The famous shooting scene from episode 1, Fire in the Hole
Certainly Raylan Givens did a lot sexier things than this scene. But this was mesmerizing and I was hooked. Right from episode one. Olyphant was sex on a stick in this role. Come on up any time, Raylan.
John Luthur, Luthur: Well, 2010 was a great year for sex on a stick. I don't need to say anything more than "Idris Elba". We all know. John Luther is beautiful, and really smart, and kinda sensitive. And omg the British accent! The man is perfection. Bonus points on Luther for Ruth Wilson, who was treated so shitty on The Affair, of which she was the best part. I never even bothered watching the final season.
Khal Drogo, Game of Thrones: 2010 was a very good year, and it almost seems like 2011 was feeling the pressure, you know? Like, oh great, how do I follow that 2010 bitch? So it said, fuck this shit, I'm gonna have to go big and, BOOM! drops Jason Momoa on us. I honestly don't know how smart Momoa is. I have a feel for a couple of these guys on that, Miller, and then later when we get to Defending Jacob just so I can talk about Evans, but the rest, really not. I've no idea. I can't help getting excited by brains. They're so rare.
Anyway, I don't know about Momoa. But I've seen enough to get a fun and harmless vibe from him. And I like his environmental work, so cool that he ties it into Aquaman! Also, there's this:
I could go on. We can be here all night if you want. But I think the point is made. Jason Momoa is the second actor who transcends his character and is drafted to the fantasy fuck list, no Khal required. Me and everyone else, right? I know! That's why this is a fantasy fuck draft, people.
Andy Barber, Defending Jacob: Okay, we reach the last pick on my fantasy fuck draft list, Chris Evans. I'm in the middle of Defending Jacob right now, and if you don't have Apple+ because The Morning Show wasn't your thing (it's my thing), it's worth getting for this show. And for upcoming shows, because Defending Jacob even more so than The Morning Show is putting Apple+ on the map. You couple that with what is likely to be long-term reluctance to go to crowded movie theaters and I am keeping my eye on Apple+. I think it's going to break out by next year.
Anyway, watch the show. Chris Evans is really great in it, and Michelle Dockery shines, and I don't know if Jacob did it or not yet, but damn, that is one creepy kid. And yes, Andy Barber is HOT. I mean, Chris Evans is playing him, what did you think he was gonna be?
Chris Evans is someone I barely noticed at all for years. And I am a HUGE Marvel fangirl. I saw all of the films, in the theaters, and loved every one of them. But Steve Rogers is a blonde. And I'm really not into blondes, for whatever reason. And he was just so blonde and blue-eyed, and non-broody, and not my type. I liked his Captain America, but really never gave him any thought. Until his tweets started being retweeted into my TL. They caught my attention. Then one day, I read an interview he did, where he got very political. And not in a usual celebrity way. He was thoughtful. I was intrigued. And then...well, and then my friends, Steve Rogers darkened up:
I nearly died. And eventually I read this interview.
And it became obvious that Chris Evans is a man who can punch Nazis, gets the Trumpian Dystopia, and oh yeah, he can brood.
Chris Evans, the 3rd and final actor who transcends ALL roles he plays, and is pretty much number 1 on everybody's fantasy fuck draft list.
I probably left out your fav, and you're all like, HOW can you leave off this guy, and well, we all have our things. Definitely compile your own fantasy draft. This is mine. And I wouldn't change a thing.