Look, I don't know what's going on okay? America is under terrorist attack from within, there's an ongoing plague now killing over four thousand of us every day while our President goes in for touch-ups on his orange paint job, and...Armie Hammer is (maybe) a cannibal.
A lotta shit is going down and people still wanna tell me that I'm not in a coma since my 2016 surgery and this shit is all real. Sure. Let's go with that.
I don't find Hammer hot, attractive, or even of any interest and never have. I have my celebrity fantasy fuck team list right here to prove it. It's good to put these things in writing, right? My mom says no, but I think I've just proved her wrong.
No one can ever accuse me of wanting to fuck Armie Hammer. Ever. But I didn't see the cannibal thing coming.
There's a whole big Instagram thing where his DM's have been revealed and he's been talking about beheading women, killing animals to feel their hearts, drinking blood, and being a cannibal. A lot of these are abuse allegations from what I can see, and really it all makes me sick. I mean, I'm a vegetarian. I've had literal nightmares about hot dogs and woke up sweating. Now this.
If someone had asked me to guess who the most likely celebrity cannibal was, I definitely would have guessed Donald Trump Jr., no hesitation. Without question.
It's not like Hammer is the last celebrity I'd think this of; it's that I never thought about him at all.
Imagine you are on Instagram happy assing around, and some celebrity you think is hot slides into your DM's. I don't know, say it's Chris Evans. Because honestly for me I would never answer nearly any DM I got including from celebrities, and in fact, it's happened to me on Twitter. I save the initial contact just in case it's needed at a later date, and never reply. So it'd have to be someone FIRE for me to reply. For me that'd be Evans, or, you know, a couple of others. But I would do so with great trepidation for obvious reasons.
Now you're probably thinking, hey Cat, don't worry yourself over this because Chris Evans ain't never gonna slide into your DM's and you know what? You'd be totally right. Because that'd be weird, predatory, or desperate behavior. But we do have Armie Hammer for that kind of shit.
So, okay, say you're naïve or not as cynical as me or whatever and some major league sex on a stick DM's you, and you start talking, and you're all like "wow he must want me I'm going to end up fucking" whoever this dude is.
And the next thing you know he is talking about drinking your blood and holding your still-beating (but not for long) heart in his hands.
I expect this shit from Don Jr., who looks and I have heard smells the type.
But this shit from anybody else is kind of jaw-dropping. At least I think it is. Back from when I was capable of shock, I think this would have shocked me.
Then came 2016, then came 2020, and now some actor trying to literally eat women doesn't shock me. It all seems about right.
I am sure I'm going to wake up from this coma any time now. Only weeks will have passed for me. Hillary Clinton will be President. No actors will be accused cannibals. And the plague will have been a dream.
It's all just a dream.