It must be five years now since I realized all my Facebook friends were retouching photos before posting them. It took me a while. I'm slow I guess.
I had stopped posting pictures for a while because I couldn't help noticing my FB friends all looked much younger than me, even though we were all around the same age. And I felt really bad about myself too.
Until one day, a friend of mine that I had just recently seen, posted a selfie. She looked like a 30 year old movie star.
"Must be a good shot, because she didn't look like that when I saw her the other day," I thought.
Then I noticed her teeth. Blindingly white.
"Wait a minute, those aren't her fucking teeth," was my next thought.
That's when I realized everyone was photoshopping their pictures before posting them! I asked her about it, and she claimed she "just uses some filters sometimes". But apparently whatever a fucking filter is, it's not photoshop.
Sure. So I went into the app store on my phone, and searched for picture touchups, and a thousand things came up. I downloaded something called Airbrush, loaded up a recent photo, and lo and behold, I looked like a 30 yo movie star too.
And I was into that for a while, until I wasn't. Until I posted a shot, and people told me how beautiful I look and how I just don't age. It made me feel sick. WTF was I doing?
This was all a big joke. We're 50, and none of us look 30. I look pretty good, but I'm not 30, and I don't look 30. I aged. Yeah, that's right.
So, now I don't use that app, but hey, I don't put up bad pictures, you know? The angle has to be right, the lighting has to be good. When I see a good shot, I may post it sure. I'm still only putting my best self out there.
Is anyone not doing that? It seems doubtful. Maybe some men. I remember one ex who I met on a political message board and the picture he sent me looked like a serial killer. I had to laugh. I only went through with meeting him because he was so smart, but had very low expectations. He ended up being gorgeous. Why did he send a picture where he looked like a deranged serial killer?
I DON'T KNOW WHY DO MEN DO ANYTHING?
Anyway, all of this to say, that last week a friend of mine met someone from Facebook dating. Now, Facebook has been trying to lure me into their special little dating site, but the first time I saw it I said "Fuck no" and I have found no reason to change my mind.
I already hate almost everyone on Facebook WHY WOULD I WANT TO DATE THEM?
When I think Facebook I think Trump, because I had to get rid of so many of my FB friends in 2016, for coming out as Trumpers.
Anyway, my friend joined. And she met someone on there who she has been talking to for a year on the phone. This part shocked me because it is so unlike her. But, Covid, so okay, sure I can see how it happened. She said they had become friends and talked all the time, and they finally made a date to meet in person.
When she recounted the meeting to me, I kind of knew it hadn't gone well. The reason for that is she told me she wanted to go back to his place afterwards just to have another drink. Covid rules were still in effect in NY, this was a few weeks ago, just before Cuomo lifted them. So the place they met at was closing very early.
He responded that he really didn't want to because he had to get up early for work.
She thought this could be true.
So I'm gonna stop here reader, to let you know a few things.
Men never give a shit about getting up early for work when sex is on the table. Trust me. They don't even have to go to sleep at all, they will go straight to work the next morning on no sleep.
This is a universal fact. Don't argue with me, and don't try and convince yourself of anything else. If a man says no to a situation where sex is possible, he's not interested.
Now, my friend responded that she really just wanted another drink, she was having a good time.
Nah. You thought sexy times were a possibility and that you may be into it. You were considering it. Now, let me stop here in case any men are reading this:
NO THIS IS NOT CONSENT.
A woman may be considering sex, or and be clear, just a makeout session with you. She is considering it. No consent has been given by her act of entering your home or any other place where she will be alone with you.
Trust me, you can still blow this. Only when you hear "YES" should you feel you have consent, and that consent is not anything goes either.
It's consent for this, not consent for that. You have to get new affirmative consent for that, whatever that is that you have on your mind, pervert.
Anyway, a week went by and she hadn't heard from this guy. It wasn't just some internet meeting since they had been talking for a year, so this was hurtful of course.
A little over a week later, she posted a picture on Facebook. And he made comments.
"You dont (sic) look like this in person???"
Is this a fucking question?
"My face looks like its (sic) been ran over by a bus a few times but you can lick whip cream from my checkaboard (sic) stomach!!"
So, I have never seen this guy, but I found it interesting he's so fugly he has to own up to his fugliness while insulting someone else's appearance.
"You are sweet to talk to but a bad represent (sic and also, WTF?) of your self (sic). i push my body like no other. And i am a Trump supporter. (now it all comes out, like vomit) All the liberals are going to be very sorry that this jack ass is in charge! look whats (sic) happening i (sic) this world!! Fuck ir (sic)
So, a semi-literate Trumpster. Well, is there any other kind? I mean, other than outright illiterate Trumpsters. And they're not on FB much on account of being unable to read. You may find them perusing Google images though.
I have no idea what possesses somebody to say things like this. Why is there this need for cruelty? Well, one reason is he's a Trump supporter. I have warned my friend about this before. Trumpsters are not good people. Yes, if you're white, and I am, you likely have Trumpsters in your family, which I do. And yes, they may be good to you, but that doesn't mean they haven't done really horrible shit to people who aren't you.
And if I'm being honest with myself, the Trumpsters in my family have all done awful shit to me. Some of it has been beyond awful.
So be clear, Trumpsters are not good people, they really aren't. Date them, befriend them, interact with them in any way, at your own risk.
But the Trump connection aside, is posting flattering pictures of yourself catfishing? Or is it just human? Don't we all choose the most flattering shots for our wedding photobooks, our graduations, our holiday cards? I think so. When does it cross the line?
I really don't think it does unless you misrepresent yourself completely, like claiming you're 20 when you're 40. Claiming you're 6 feet with you're 5'5. Claiming you're a size 2 when you're a size 22. Those things are catfishing, I think.
But on Al Gore's internet in the year of our Lord 2021, when we are all post-Covid horny, can we just agree that our pictures will be our most flattering selves? You have to meet in person anyway. There's that buzz between two people when you connect right? You can feel it, you can sense it, your entire body reacts to it, and frankly, pictures have zero to do with it, and looks have very little to do with it.
Let's keep it moving Gen X especially, since we are that age now where we may need a little touching up. Meet in person early on, very early on. If that buzz is there, all things are possible. If it isn't, nothing is.
And that's the way that works.