Mayo Nation Goes On Anti-Bathing Tear Tells America "Smell This!"

White people, what the fuck is going on here?  You know what, I've about had it now.  

First, we had Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher going on Dax Shepard's podcast to brag about their stinkasses.  These two bragged about not bathing their children, and then went on to assure us they also stink to high heaven.

"As for their own showering habits, Kunis and Kutcher both said on the Armchair Expert podcast that they refrain from using soap on their entire bodies every day. “I wash my armpits and my crotch daily, and nothing else ever,” Kutcher said of his soap usage. “I got a bar of Lever 2000 that delivers every time. Nothing else.”

While baths may not be a daily occurrence in their household, the pair do believe in washing their faces every day. “I do have a tendency to throw some water on my face after a workout to get all the salts out,” Kutcher admitted. Kunis said, “I do wash my face twice a day.”

WTF?? First of all, Ashton, do you wash your ass?  Your feet?  And Mila, you have a "tendency" to throw some water on your face after working out to get the salts out?

I am going to need a translator, what fucking salts?  Oh, do you mean because your sweat is salty?  But only your face sweats?  WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF YOUR BODY MILA?

Can you imagine the stink on these two?  Don't be downwind that's all I can say.  

Next, Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell came out to tell us they don't bathe their children until they "stink".

Imagine that?  And imagine announcing it!  Like, you're famous, people know who your kids parent's are.  Your kids are going to get made fun of in school.  What is wrong with these people?  And Dax sounds like he barely bathes at all.

And then, Jake Gyllenhaal came out to tell us he doesn't wash at all!  That's right, he's "self-cleaning"!

Look, I knew that this whole "the vagina is self-cleaning" thing was eventually going to lead to people claiming their asses are too.  I have been predicting this for years!  So I'm not really surprised.  Disgusted, nauseated, but not surprised. 

So, let's talk about white privilege.  I know, every white person's favorite subject!  White people have been perpetuating the narrative that black people "smell" forever.  All white people know this.  At least in my age range.  So don't bother trying to deny it.   So what is that shit?  Projection?  Pointing at someone and screaming "STANK!" to cover up your own smell?

Because having been around the world a time or two, that is a total myth.  And with famous white people now coming out and bragging they don't wash their asses, I think we know who the real stinkasses are.  The best part is now their asses are "self-cleaning".  They don't even need to bath!  You get it?  Their shit literally don't stink!

Isn't that something?  Listen, I've about sworn off fucking white dudes on account of their politics already, this just ties it.  

I also think there's some arrogance in this.  A real, "I'm above it all".  Only the little people bathe. Only the little people have to.  And the little people also have to smell my ass and pretend it smells like roses.  Think about the folks these stinkers interact with weekly right?  Their hair stylists, their nail people, their regular stylists, their seamstresses...the list goes on and is very long.  These aren't people like you and me who get up in the morning and don't have 10 people waiting to serve us.  

So isn't there some kind of class privilege in forcing the little people to smell you while keeping the forced smiles on their faces? 

I used to wonder this about United States Senators.  I would see so many on Meet the Press, back in the days when I used to torture myself watching that shit (don't happen no more like the song goes), with the absolute most disgusting, rotted teeth.  It was shocking!

Now, one of the great shames of our country is how unaffordable dentistry is.  Which sometimes has very dire consequences.  I remember reading a news story about one young kid who died of an abscessed tooth. It broke my heart.  So yes, lack of access to dental care can be truly dangerous and even have tragic outcomes. 

But for the most party, you are in a situation where our class is announced by our teeth right?  For instance, stinkass Jake Gyllenhaal wouldn't book jobs if he had rotting teeth, so as little as he washes his ass he's at the dentist all the time stinking up that poor guy's office,  that's for sure.  We all know teeth are a class indicator in America.  And there are so many out there with bad teeth who would do anything to be able to get what is crazy-expensive cosmetic dentistry.  And there's no excuse for the prices of it.  I mean, it's literally insane and unjustified.  But it keeps the little people in their place.

Except for United States Senators, many of whom don't seem to visit their dentist.  They sure have the money!  Ain't no such thing as a poor United States Senator, and yeah that includes Peepaw and Meemaw and you know who I'm talking about! 

I can definitely accept that one could be afraid of the dentist.  I get that's a real fear, and I would never judge it.

But 20 of them are terrified of the dentist?  Did they grow up in the Little Shop of Horrors?  Come on!  

I remember a certain now-dead Senator used to come on MTP and show his browning teeth, honestly he basically had Rudy Giuliana's mouth, so let's take a look:

OMG right?

So why was this very wealthy man on television flashing this every week?  I mean, I don't know.  I do wonder if there wasn't some sort of "you may have to worry about your bad teeth, but I don't" as he forced America to look into the dark recess of hell and wonder what in fuck his breath smelled like.

I bet he was a close talker too.  

Look, white people, I have put up with your nonsense, throwing expensive birthday parties for your dogs, dressing up your cats in fancy outfits, pushing your pets around in baby strollers...I shake my head but I keep walking and mind my own business. 

But I am not going to be forced to smell your stinkass.  You better get that out of your head right now.  So the next time you are out stinking up a store, one of those white ladies who you think are one of you could be me.  And your stink ain't gonna fly with me.

Watch out.