Long Island's Dildock Haven; Ocean Beach, Fire Island

Okay, I guess it's time to get back to the search for my summer 2021 post-covid fuckboy.  

I'm sorry if the term offends, it fits what I'm looking for.  I always hated the friends with benefits moniker.  Here's the still-evolving meaning of fuckboy:  "In essence, a fuckboy (sometimes stylized “fuckboi” or “fuccboi”) is a (usually straight, white) dude embodying something akin to the “man whore” label, mashed up with some “basic” qualities and a light-to-heavy sprinkling of misogyny. But consensus on a singular definition is a work in progress."

That's according to Jezebel.  I didn't realize the definition was supposed to include misogyny, but all men have a light-to-heavy sprinkling of that, so, sure. 

I am defining the term as non-repulsive guy I can have a summer fling with.  It would really help if he wasn't a total moron.  This is where it gets tricky.

So, yesterday, I decided to take the Fire Island Ferry over to Ocean Beach.  I haven't been there since 2019.   For a few years before Covid, I would get a room at The Palms for several days each summer.  So it's been a very long time since I did the night time ferry back to Bayshore.  

Anywhere, here was my view on the ferry over:


Mad man-spreading skills right?

This guy's two friends set next to me and they conversed across the aisle. Peeps, they literally talked about hot dog eating contests the whole trip I swear to God.

There was a guy named Joey (yes, Joey!) they knew who ate 72 of them in I think 15 minutes.  And they were trying to figure out whether he "trained" for this by starving himself for weeks ahead of time, or overeating for weeks in order to stretch his stomach.

They debated back and forth what they saw as the pros and cons of each hot-dog training approach. 

This fucking shit went on for the entire 30 minute ferry ride.  I didn't yet know this, but they were the most age-appropriate men I would see all night. 

I don’t know how I’m gonna meet a man. I just want some fun but this is a bridge too far even for that.

Put aside that I'm a vegetarian, not by choice, I was just made this way.  And that the worst thing I can think of eating is hot dogs.  I can't even kiss a guy if he's eaten one, I gag from the smell.  Just put all that aside, I realize I'm not your average person that way.

But is this supposed to be interesting conversation?  Even if you like hot dogs, you want to meet a man who can talk about one guy who ate 72 of those things for 30 minutes non-stop?

Am I crazy?

Well, I don't care if I am.  Fine I'm crazy but I'm not letting some moron like this on top of me, no thank you.  I mean I don't need a college professor, though I've had a few...but I draw the line at boning anyone who can talk about hot dogs for 30 minutes and still be yapping as we disembarked, so they had more to say on the subject!  They might still be debating this issue right now.  I mean, I don't know!

The evening ended in a drunken brawl on my ferry back, which spilled out onto the dock.  The police broke that up, but once they left there were several screaming matches among other assorted drunks.  And it was impossible to get a Lyft or Uber.  They would keep telling me they found a driver, he'd be there in 11 minutes, only to say "your driver had to cancel, looking for a new driver" when there was 4 minutes left.

By time I did get picked up, the terminal had only  a few drunks left stumbling around and was incredibly creepy and IMO unsafe. 

Anyway, suffice to say that you will not see me on Ocean Beach, or Ocean Bay Park again.  

My understanding is that Kismet is more age appropriate, and as my eventual driver told me "oh yea, allllll the maniacs go to Ocean Beach and Ocean Bay Park, Kismet is much more for someone like you."

He apparently didn't realize that I was drunk and high at the time.  But one thing about me is I stay classy even then.  And I never brawl.  

I do have a friend whose band is playing this summer on Kismet, so I will venture out there and let you know. 

Men, all I can say is, and I'll paraphrase that stupid motherfucker Trump here: WHEN YOU SEND YOUR PEOPLE YOU ARE NOT SENDING YOUR BEST. 

Well, I sure hope not anyway. 


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