Cam Newton · meatheads ·

Do You Smell What I'm Cooking?

I had to look up who Cam Newton is, because I don't watch football, and don't care about football.   So, he's an NFL quarterback.  Let's take a look at what one's thoughts might be after years of being sacked on your meathead:

 

 

 "You don't cook and you don't know when to be quiet."

Yep, that's me alright.  I can fake a meal because I make a really good marinara sauce, and you know, you can buy fresh ravioli at Meat Farms where all the meat heads gather.  And I can make garlic bread and put together a salad.  I put together a salad by buying one at Meat Farms, which has the most amazing prepared Italian and Cesar salads.  I buy one and then I empty it into a bowl.  And Voilà!

When I was younger, I used to know how to make meatballs, and sometimes I would make them for men, but I'm a vegetarian and was then too.  At some point I really had to ask myself why the fuck I was rubbing my hands in dead cow for a man?  So, that ended.  At this point I'm practically vegan.  I thought it would never happen because I always loved ice cream, but there came a time it started making me sick when I really thought about what I was eating.

So I stopped.  Then came vegan ice cream, and some of it is really, really good!  Like So Delicious makes some amazing dairy free frozen desert flavors.  And I also love raspberry sherbet.  Milk I never drank.  I take my coffee black and always have. I never use butter on toast or rolls or anything like that.  I used to eat a lot of cheese, but now I only eat feta here and there.  But I will eat stuffed shells and things that are baked with eggs and cheese.  So I am not vegan.  But I'm closer to it than I ever imagined I could get.  Will I ever go all the way?  I highly doubt it, but then, 15  years ago I would have laughed if you told me the day would come when I wouldn't eat ice cream.  So who knows.

The point is, if I had to cook a decent meal, I can.  But I don't cook for men.  Even for my last live-in relationship, the hot blacksmith.  I told him that I eat very strangely and that most people would not find it desirable.  I make a lot of vegetables, which I'm really good at cooking, but they are not in any fucking cheese or cream sauce.  I make vegetables so that they are actually healthy.  And that I eat a lot of garden veggie burgers, and grilled veggie wraps.

He wanted to eat more vegetables and could cook himself, so he was totally fine with it.  He would cook himself a hamburger, steak, or chicken several times a week, but he stopped eating as much meat as he used to.  He considered this a good thing.  Oh, and he made the absolutely best guacamole and would make that for me whenever I asked.

So if you come into my home, you will smell what I'm cooking and it will be extra-virgin olive oil and veggies.   And that, plus a good marinara sauce are about the extent of my cooking skills.  I like it that way.  I also talk whenever I want, about whatever I want. 

Can you imagine being so desperate for male approval that you start learning how to make elaborate meals for a meathead like Cam Newton?  If you love to cook and are good at it, I'm jealous of you!  And I think that's great.  But if you are planning meals around keeping some man happy, girl, get a life. 

I've always believed that if a man is happy in the bedroom he will be a lot less interested in what's going on in the kitchen.  I know I am!  But I like doing sex, and am good at it, so if I enjoy sex with you I don't feel like you are degrading me by relegating me to "women's work."  That won't work in the kitchen.

And no one, no one, has ever been able to shut me up.  

I really don't understand this dance women do for men.  I've never been able to be under someone's thumb, which is why I never did well in corporate America.  It wasn't until I said kiss my ass to them, that I found my own creative energy and a different way to make a living.  

The only man who ever thought he had a chance at controlling me was Jim, whom I've written about before.  My first true love, and someone I spent a decade with.  He was older than me, and I think he thought that would fly.  It never did, but he tried it.  I had to give him credit for that.  It created a tension between us that was not entirely unpleasant.  But he never gained control over me. 

But I can't remember a man after him who ever tried it.  Now, I understand that Cam Newton is rich, and maybe that's a big reason a woman would attempt to dim her own light around him.  But there are lots of controlling men who are far from rich.  

I never even want to live with a man again, never mind cook for him and be quiet.  I just can't imagine this mindset.  Will I get old and wish I had gotten married to someone so I am not alone?  And wish I had spent years running around cooking and shopping for him?  And not talking?  I don't know.  I can't really imagine feeling that way.   

My dream, insofar as I have a dream about men,  is to find a man who likes living by himself, does not want me to move in with him, and wants to see me a few times a week.  Like, for movie nights, and going out to dinner.   He should be a scintillating, well read, conversationalist.  He should be a Democrat.  He should know better than to call himself a "male feminist."   He should be a skillful lover.  He should be very funny.  He should bathe daily.  He should not give a crap whether or not I can cook. 

And he should want to go the fuck home.

But does such a man exist?  

Mostly my dreams revolve around myself and my own goals.  Hitting 30 miles on a bike ride.  Finishing my book.  Overcoming my fear of flying so I can make it to Italy.  But if I dug deep down, the above is what I would say I would want in a man.   I can't say I'm really looking for him though.  I don't expect to find him.  I've compromised my whole life and don't want to anymore.  I'd rather go out, date, have sex if I really feel like it, hang with my friends, etc. than to compromise on the core of what I want in a relationship again. 

 

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