I've been talking to my single girlfriends trying to figure out what dating looks like post-vaccination.
First, as straight women, we're going to have to become detectives and figure out which men have been vaccinated. A lot of men won't be, check out the NY Times reporting on the vaccine gender gap here.
"We don’t fully understand it,” Dr. Paul Simon said. “One of our messaging strategies will be that the vaccine is not only important for you but, in addition, is a means of protecting others in your family.”
That poor SOB is really flummoxed. I will tell you why. He's a logical dude and he's trying to figure out a rational reason for irrational behavior. That's never gonna work.
A lot more men than women are asshats. That's the reason okay Dr. Paul? I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you.
Now, if you add in this story, about fake vaccination cards being sold online, you have an issue.
Men lie. I know women do too, but this blog is about men. If you want to file a complaint about my slanted writing, email me. I will totally answer!
I feel like women have become pretty good detectives though so we will be detecting the shit out of this latest scam.
It's hard to meet people during a pandemic, and last year no one I know even tried it. For me I was hunkered down and writing in my Quarantine Dreams journal. It's pretty steamy! And not a little pathetic!
All of the men I met after March 2020, I basically met around my apartment complex and I had no idea what they really looked like. You think you basically know even with the mask right?
You are wrong.
There is this one guy I was seriously thinking about maybe sexing, and then I saw him without his mask outside.
You know about WAP right? Well, some of these people, you see them without their mask, get ready for a big case of DAP.
I was talking about this with one of my friends and we wondered if it's okay to ask the guy to keep his mask on during sex?
"Oh, it's not you, it's me. I developed a big mask fetish during shutdown."
I don't know if that would fly though.
One of my friends went on a date last week. She did it through that new Facebook dating thing. I couldn't believe it when I first saw that. I basically hate everyone on Facebook now I want them trying to hit me up? No thank you Zuckerberg you little fucking freak.
But she signed up. So now this guy wants to meet her for a walk. Like that's a date. Look, I am really an outdoors girl, and would love to find a guy who likes hiking and cycling, but that's not a first date. What has happened to men? Anyway, my friend, we'll call her Beth, resisted this and he finally said, okay let's meet for dinner.
So they have dinner, then their second date is a walk. Whatever. Then he never calls or texts her after that. So, why not?
Who knows. Maybe he resented the dinner. Maybe he was fuming over that fucking dinner all week. Maybe he didn't like the way she walked. Maybe he's an asshat. I didn't meet him so I have no special insight here.
She told me he was a "nice, normal guy" and she wanted to give him a chance. This is where women go wrong if you ask me. Tell me a guy is a huge, elitist snob and I'm like, oh is he single? Basically, my perfect man is Fraiser Crane, hold the Kelsey.
A nice normal guy who you want to give a chance? I fell asleep before you finished that sentence. I tell her this, but she doesn't listen to me.
It's nothing against normal guys, it's just that when she says nice normal guy, it usually means a dullard. Honestly, Fraiser Crane and my college professor ex aside, I do seem to have a physical thing for blue collar guys. So other than "no dullards" maybe I don't really have a type. But when this particular friend describes a man as a "nice, normal guy" I know a dullard is what's being delivered.
Anyway, what this let's go on a walk-about asshat did make me think about this; maybe men are using the pandemic to get out of dates, and think we're all going to be meeting them for walks. Now, this isn't a "oh they have to spend some money to get me" thing. Believe me, I have my own money, and I stopped accepting drinks from men in bars before Covid. They always think you owe them something, even if it's just your time. I can buy my own drinks and I don't want to be forced to smile at some asshat I have no interest in over 12 bucks. Also, if I'm meeting someone from an online dating site, I prefer to pay for myself for the same reason.
But, I also don't want to be with some cheap guy, because that will always raise its head elsewhere in the relationship. I'm not cheap, and I don't like cheap. In my friends or lovers. So if this is going to be a thing, you can forget about that play with me.
Do any of us really know what to expect? What if the date goes well and you want to kiss? Do you start pulling out your vaccine cards? Isn't the "do we kiss or not" moment awkward enough? We used to worry about bumping noses, now I will be dropping my vaccination card, bumping heads trying to pick it up, I just know I'm gonna end up unconscious at some point. Did I mention I have a tendency to faint?
All of this doesn't sound like a meet-cute story in the making does it?
On first dates do we discuss our Covid horror stories instead of our romantic history, which, and I don't know about you, but for me are usually horror stories too? Are the variants going to get us no matter what we do?
Will anything ever be normal again?
I don't know yet, but this is going to be the hot vaccinated summer around these parts, and I plan on blogging about it a lot. We'll find out together!
If you have any cool dating stories this summer, email me, I would love to post different experiences about this. Maybe a theme or trend will even start to form.
I'll see you out there!