Celebrity Publicists In The Era of Social Media Dumbassery

 

I guess we've all heard about Jessica Mulroney's face plant by now right?  Mulroney is famous, as far as I can tell, for being Meghan Markle's BFF.  She's a Big Ass Deal in Canada though because she's also married to the son of former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney.  So, this lady knows how to starfuck.   She also knows how to "Karen" as we say here in the states.

Jessica is such a narcissist, that when Sasha Exeter posted a generic call-to-action for Black Lives Matter, Jessica believed she was personally being called out.  Isn't that funny?  I've read about that personality disorder where you believe your favorite celebrity is sending you secret messages on their Twitter feed.   I didn't know that other celebrities suffer from it.  Like, does Chris Pratt read DiCaprio's statements about climate change and throw his computer through a window?  

"That MOTHERFUCKER!  He knows I don't always use plastic straws, just sometimes.  DiCaprio and his "you always you never" bullshit, I am gonna throw him through a fucking window the next time I see him."

I mean, I don't know.  I really don't know what's going on with celebrities lately, but let's stay with Jessica for another moment before we move on to the wide array of absolute dumbassery celebrity provides.

Jessica and Sasha, the latter of which is an "Toronto-based influencer" according to my googling, whatever that means, were having this big ole nasty fight behind the scenes, while Jessica was coming out all butter wouldn't melt in my soft white mouth on her Instagram Bullshit Feed.   And then Jessica gets the brilliant idea to send a private message.  

 

 

Jessica one, you spelled libel totally wrong honey, and two, people who dropped out of grade school know you don't ever send a DM or PM during internet drama because that shit will be posted 10 seconds later.   Actually my pre-school niece knows better than that.  Those little tykes know how to throw down, trust.

And the dumbass also sent texts, which is where she threatened Exeter:

"‘I have also spoken to companies and people about the way you treated me unfairly. You think your voice matters. Well it only matters if you express it with kindness and without shaming people who are simply trying to learn. Good luck.’”

Translation; you better curtsy to me black lady, before you start talking. And watch your tone!  I'm WHITE

Jessica then got on Instagram and started being all like, yeah, my best friend is black, her name is Meghan Markle you may have heard of her?  So I am very down with the blacks, and that ends that, now let's terrorist fist bump to seal it and move on. 

Yeah, she was fired from like every job she has within hours.  You guessed it.

With most of white Hollywood showing their asses during this "difficult time" I had such an epiphany. 

I need to open a big celebrity publicist firm.  I will charge these assholes, these beauty school dropouts, these shit-for-brained morons, through their plastic noses, but I know what I'm doing and they won't lose their jobs or get cancelled on my watch.  I don't know who they're paying now, but it's not working out.  Break up with them and come to me.  

And no, this is not it, dummies:

 

My eyes are bleeding.  I didn't watch it all, no brained-human should.  

 

I know white people in general are pretty clueless about race, and by that I mean the white people who aren't actively and consciously racist.  Like KKK members and you know, Trump supporters.   Just your run-of-the-mill white person who thinks they aren't racist.  Let's take a look at one of my favorite celebrity examples of that here:

 

 And Affleck has more of the image of being the dumb one, right?  I think because of his drama-filled personal life.  But you can see here, Ben isn't the stupid one, he knew enough to keep his mouth shut, didn't he?

 Part of my new business will be contracting to studios during casting.  I got this idea when Hartley Sawyer's twitter feed gained interest a few weeks ago, on account of some really vile racist, AND viciously misogynistic tweets he had posted in...2012.  That's before he was cast as the Elongated Man on CW's Flash.  That's well before.

Which means that in the year of our lord, 2020, or at least in 2017, the  year Sawyer was cast, studios are  not reading potential hires' social media accounts.  (Spoiler alert; they were still not doing this up until 2020).

 And now I bet many of them are going to be like "READ HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT FIRST!".  Screaming and yelling while their poor assistants run around like beheaded chickens.

No, going forward, this is going to be a pro job.  Not just their Twitter accounts, there needs to be a deep dive done.  Any possible known sock accounts included.  This shit needs to be investigated.

If I was but a young slip of a girl I would pack a bag and head out to L.A., trust.  But I don't think I could stand dealing with these idiots at this point in my life.  Sure I'm far from old, but I don't have that glowing optimism of true youth anymore either.   Unless I was going to get to fuck Chris Evans.  But I don't think you get to fuck Chris Evans even if you are the best celebrity publicist in Hollywood, which I would be, by far.  So...I just don't see me packing.

Still...I think about it.  And every day one of these staggering morons show their ass, I think about it some more...

 


2 comments


  • Jamie

    Kind of interesting that Meghan’s best friend is such a nasty person though.


  • Serena

    I feel bad for Meghan, her friend is using her as “my black friend” shield. Whoa.


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