Baby, We Were Born This Way

Sexual orientation is something we have no control over.  We're just born this way.  And I can prove it.

The mere existence of women who willingly sex men is all the proof you will ever need people. 

"On Thursday, candy maker Mars, Incorporated announced that their beloved M&M's characters would be getting a makeover in 2022, with "a fresh, modern take" on their design and "more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling."

So basically Mars redesigned the animated M&M's and one of the changes is the "sexy" one will be less sexualized.  

I can't believe I just typed that, right?  I've personally never been into this whole "oh the chocolate you're eating is alive" thing.  Call me fucking crazy (and people have, a lot) but I don't get off watching an animated piece of cartoon chocolate beg for its life when someone is about to eat it.

I will admit the M&M's meeting Santa commercials were cute.  But, like, not "oh I need to go masturbate that made me so hot" kind of cute.

You know who did have that problem?

Tucker: M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity… pic.twitter.com/rz7VtVCHWu

— Acyn (@Acyn) January 22, 2022

Tucker is so outraged.  Especially about the "less sexy" M&M.  Obviously he's been wanking off to M&M commercials all this time.  You know, if there was a blind item; "which cable news host jerks it to M&M commercials" my first guess woulda been "Tucker!". 

So this tracks. 

Now, I want to introduce you to the topic du jour on a political message board I sporadically frequent.

"The no shower or bath bandwagon" is the name of the thread, created by, you guessed it, a cis-gendered heterosexual male.

"This seems to be more popular these days, for the sake of argument let's define it as bathing somewhere between once a week and never. Does anyone have an opinion? Has anyone tried it. I am currently playing with once a week and have not made up my mind. I am pretty sure I dont want to go further."

Oh, you're "pretty sure" are you?

Can you freaking imagine the stink?  This is from the same dude who last week posted his theory that women don't orgasm during sex.

When they're trying not to choke on the stink, yeah, I'm sure they don't!

Let's look at the first reply:

"I , and I am probably not alone here, ... I will take the Fifth on this"

If it were up to me, you would be alone on that, but you guessed right!  You're not.   I could reply with the truth, which is that I shower every single day, and twice a day during the summer, but I'm afraid I would be hit with a stinkass swarm drooling "a clean one, we don't get that  much around these parts, are you single?".

Here's another stinkass who doesn't shower all summer because he "gets clean in the pool".

"I don't be taking a shower after chlorinated pool action (unless some major event). I've gone summers like that. No shower, just pool. The pool water is more disinfecting than shower water."

Oh, is it?  Well, these are the same idiots who are drinking their own piss to "cure Covid". 

So you don't shower all summer, because you go in the pool.  Imagine following this crusty stinker into that pool?  Tell me genius, does the pool wash your ass?  

I couldn't make this stuff up, I swear I couldn't.  I used to think I had a great flair for satire, but then along came the internet and I discovered I really don't because men will beat me every time with their own truth.

And yet, heterosexual women exist.  I know, I'm one of them.  Believe me, after reading this shit, and listening to the deranged M&M fucker, Tucker Carlson, I would get down on my knees and beseech God "please remove this mantel of heterosexuality, I'll be good, I'll do anything."

But I've already tried that and it doesn't work. 

Do you seriously think if orientation were a choice we wouldn't all be choosing to bone other women? 

Let me quote President Biden here:

Come on man!  What a bunch of malarkey!